The Jim Dwyer email exchange (read from bottom to top)

On Wed, 6/23/10, Jim Dwyer wrote:

From: Jim Dwyer
Subject: Re: Journalism Student - Question on Your 6/22/10 Article Structure
To: "Annette Montalvo"
Date: Wednesday, June 23, 2010, 8:43 PM

Hi Annette (and15 others)

The answer -- quickly, since class may be ending -- is that the 2nd and 4th paragraphs were not written as a single graph. If I recall correctly, I wrote the second paragraph because the first one really didn't tell the story (though it did set the scene, and set up the kicker at the end of the column).

I didn't reveal the information about the deafness of the peddlers until the fourth paragraph because 1. Their deafness gave the story a twist, but was not the essential horror of enslavement; 2. The deafness was, nevertheless, an important detail that needed a bit of "word space," as Roy Clark of Poynter Institute would say -- that is, it could be lost in the second paragraph, describing the peddling operation. I'm always concerned that people will read over certain significant details unless they're given plenty of space and reinforced in some way. In fact, originally, I only had one sentence in the 4th graph, but added the second sentence with Gutierrez's fluency in Mexican Sign Language so that the deafness was fixed in the reader's head.

You'll notice that the detail about his current job, at the Statue of Liberty, also got its own paragraph -- a matter, again, of word space.

Finally --- a teacher of mine once said, "If you have a good story, tell it. If you have a weak story, write it."
This was a good story. I just got out the way and let it rip.

good luck


On Wed, Jun 23, 2010 at 7:58 PM, Annette Montalvo wrote:
Dear Mr. Dwyer:

I'm a student in a journalism class at Harvard Extension School.

Tonight we were discussing your June 22 "Descent into Slavery..." article on Jose Gutierrez, a deaf peddler. We're reading the article aloud, stopping to analyze each paragraph and the structure of the article.

Here's the class question: Were the 2nd and 4th paragraphs originally written as one nut graf? Or were they always split by the 3rd paragraph?

I thought the 2nd paragraph orignally might as read as it is now , ending with "climbing ladder..." and then straight to "Mr. Gutierrez the youngest...."

I thought the 3rd paragraph was written as is, but ending with "All of the peddlers were deaf," works effectively to surprise the reader and lure them into wanting to know more.

I raised the question in class, wondering if you changed the order on a 2nd or 3rd draft, or the editor changed it, thinking it was more effective that way. Our professor said I should email Mr. Dwyer and ask him myself.

So, can you share with our class the thought/writing process of the beginning of your article?

Looking forward to your reply,

Annette Montalvo, Journalism Student ( + another 15 students)